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Quadruple Jeopardy

Quadruple Jeopardy!

---Or---

How I Came To Realize Nothing Matters

 

Cast of Characters:

Alex Trebek- Famous Game Show Host

Angelina Davis- An Australian Saxophonist in the Prime of Her Life

Dr. Snetch- Dubious History Professor in his 40s

 

ACT ONE

The following events have already occurred in the production:

 

1. The strange state of the world is shown through a series of exceptionally short scenes in which men and women are fervently watching Jeopardy. They obsess and scream at the screens; it is apparent that this society has devolved into watching knowledge instead of pursuing it.

 

2. Alex Trebek has initiated a global emergency by declaring QUADRUPLE JEOPARDY! He refused to allow Angelina Davis to win the Jeopardy prize due to a snub to his intelligence. This calls the state of intelligence of every individual on the planet into question, including the leaders of nation-states. (If someone is refused a Jeopardy prize, and they are smart; can we trust the intelligence of anyone???) This breaks the world into smaller and smaller fragments, leaving nothing but brutality.

 

3. Alex begins to freak out and the guests on his show decide to help him return the world to how it used to be. Well, except for Bill; Bill’s an asshole. 

 

SCENE FOUR

Alex walks onto a section of the stage where a large, surreal mailbox stands.

The mailbox begins to ring.

 

                    BRING… BRING… BRING…

ALEX

                    To the mailbox:

Alright, alright! Spit it out!

                    Out flys a letter marked “Urgent- STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL” into the hands of Angelina Davis.

 

ANGELINA

                    Opening the envelope.

Hmmmm…

                    Beginning to read aloud.

“To whom it may---”

 

ALEX

Out with it already!

I have a right to know; I mean I am the HOST around here, aren’t I?!

 

DR. SNETCH

                    Aside to ALEX.

Aaaaaalright, let’s cool the jets with the uppity bullcrap.

Lemme do the talkin’ for a minute.

                    ALEX nods slowly.

Hey, Angelina, how ‘bout you read the letter? 

It’s likely the only thing that will keep the show going anyhow.

 

ANGELINA

Ahem, *cough*, *cough*, *cough*, sorry I got a bit of a *cough*... cough.

Sorry, I’ll read it, I swear. “To whom---”

 

ALEX

                    Obviously impatient and unable to wait.

You know, I really can’t wait here all day.

Problems to solve, solutions to find, ideas to hunt, chemicals to formulate, theories to ponder, pigeons to breed, boats to sail, arguments to refresh, knowledge to discover, questions to create, questions to create, questions to create, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions, endless fucking questions, why the questions?

I’m a question!

What am I? Who am I? Who are you?!

You’re nobody. Filth.

I shouldn’t need your help. I shouldn’t need anyone’s help!

Filth. Stinking, filthy filth.

 

ANGELINA

Oh

Okay

                    Breathes in slowly.

“To whom it may concern, I have sent this correspond---”

 

ALEX

                    Popping some pill into his mouth.

---The filth is everywhere.

I can’t stand it!

They stare at their screens and scream in joy when someone wins.

How smart you are! How smart you are!

I’m out here in Iceland with nothing but smarties…

I’m not smart, I just make the questions.

I get what I want, when I want.

But not when I’m writing the questions.

They might as well tar my ass to the chair with pine resin!

My, my, my---

 

DR. SNETCH

Physically holding his hand over ALEX’s mouth.

JUST READ IT FOR FUCK’S SAKE WOMAN!

 

ANGELINA

Uh, uh, uh, *cough*. Sorry. Uh, errm. Ahem, “To whom it may concern, I have sent this correspondence in order to proliferate my ideas---”

Crap, lost my spot.

Mumbling through the first bit.

“---to proliferate my ideas from sea to shining sea. Unless, you are Alex, who I presume is (at the very least) near you, you likely have absolutely, completely, no clue who I am. To be crystal, clear as a mountain brook, this is none other than---”

 

ALEX

                    Shoving off DR. SNETCH.

I WILL NOT BE IGNORED! I AM THE ONE WHO QUESTIONS!

WHO IS THE HUMAN THAT WROTE UPON THAT LETTER FOR ME!

WHO IS THE AUTHOR OF THIS POOR EXCUSE FOR FAN MAIL SO HORRIBLY, WRONGLY MARKED?

 

DR. SNETCH

                    Roaring.

CALM DOWN FOR ONE SECOND YOU IMBECILE!...

                    A pause.

Would you please hold your whining and existential nightmares for later, after we figure out what this letter is actually trying to say? 

Now let’s fix the world. Angelina?

 

ANGELINA

                    Hastily.

“To whom it may concern, I have sent this correspondence in order to proliferate my ideas from sea to shining sea.

Unless, you are Alex, who I presume is (at the very least) near you, you likely have absolutely, completely, no clue who I am.

To be crystal, clear as a mountain brook, this is none other than...Alex Trebek?”

 

ALL

WHAT?!

HOW COULD THAT BE?

 

ALEX

Me? Me? Me? ME? ME? ME? ME?! How could this be? I’m right here!

Is there another me? Not from this spot?

Are the more universes? Is time travel real?

I don’t know?! I DON’T KNOW!

                    ALEX wanders offstage continuing to yell and question.

The shouts never completely fade as the scene begins to end.

 

ANGELINA

                    Aside to DR. SNETCH.

I read it all, I think it’s meant

to give instructions for how to get us out of this mess.

Some kind of "Final Jeopardy", or, or something.

Let’s feed him something to make him sleep, something, something that will give us time away from him, the psycho.

And he thinks I’m the filth?

I mean seriously.

 

DR. SNETCH

I have read of many such poisons that do little damage yet incapacitate the senses so utterly that he would be useless. Go find him, keep him busy. I’ll be back with a drink or two. One will be poisoned, the other will not be. Choose the one which I hold with my pinkie finger pointed due west.

                    DR. SNETCH exits. ANGELINA stares into the distance and then wanders off towards ALEX.

END SCENE

Slippery Eel.png
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