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Lewis the Pet Transporter

LEWIS THE PET TRANSPORTER

Created by Echo Cain

Narrator

LEWIS- A sad, worn down pet transporter

DREW- A naive, bright-eyed fool

MR. SPRINKLES- An angry cat who deals in catnip

 

ACT ONE

 

Narrator

The year is 2085. Merebeth, the first pet transporter, has

reigned over the world since 2019. She has helped the pet

economy and society take over the human systems previously

in place.

Now the pets are lords of humans as a ruling class

that exerts their power by force.

Merebeth is dead.

 

The lights open on three seats turned diagonally towards

the audience with a projector showing moving pictures of

a road in America.

 

 

SCENE ONE

Within these seats sits LEWIS and DREW. LEWIS is at the wheel and DREW sits with his feet up on the dashboard. MR. SPRINKLES, a cat, sits in the back. The actor should be wearing obvious cat makeup and street clothes to symbolize the pets’ assimilation into human life.

 

MR. SPRINKLES

Look here a fuckin’ second, you fat fuck! Get the FUCK out of my fur or I will financially END you with the most fuckin’ pain you will ever experience.

A long pause, then calmer.

Yeah, that’s right, you’re ass better be back in the precinct before I can count to three.

The phone hangs up.

Fucker.

A mewl emanates from MR. SPRINKLES’ mouth.

 

LEWIS

                           As an aside to DREW.

Think that they were all like that? Back in the early days?

 

DREW

Eh, I think they were always a mixed bag.

You remember the Frenchie we picked up in Tucson?

He wore that darling sweater!

What a beaut!

 

LEWIS

LEWIS looks in the nonexistent rearview mirrors.

You use that “darling” stuff too much.

You sound like...her.

 

DREW

Ehh, cut it. I mean, what’s the point without just accepting it?

Not like “MR. SPRINKLES” is just gonna disappear!

Anyways, we have a social place! We have a purpose!

I love takin’ the good ones around.

 

LEWIS

Looking uncomfortable.

...Do...you like...being away from your wife for so long?

A Long Pause.

 

DREW

Yeah, rub it in, not like you got a wife to run back to.

     Another long pause.

 

MR. SPRINKLES

Ey! Where the fuck are we? How close are we to my next meeting?!

DREW begins wrestling with a map that refuses to open properly.

‘Ey fuckface! I’ll claw your fuckin’ ears off if you don’t tell me now!

 

DREW

Sorry sir! I’m gettin’ it, I’m gettin’ it, I’m gettin’ it!

DREW finally opens the map fully. Upon it, a digital screen

states: 11:15:21 LEFT OF TRIP.

 

 

MR. SPRINKLES

                           Leaning back.

Alright, fucker.

 

MR. SPRINKLES dials their phone. It rings twice and picks up.

Hi Jeff, you need to… Uh-huh. Alright, no, you don’t...fuck you Jeff!

Yeah, I said it, I’ll keep saying it!

FUCK YOU, Jeff!

A long pause.

Okay wait, you’re sayin’ the ‘nip made it through?

A shorter pause.

Eh, fuck it, don’t matter… Yeah… Alright, yeah, yeah, send the manager. Good work troggo.

     The phone is hung up.

 

LEWIS

...I’ve had it.

 

DREW

Yeah, this one’s pretty bad…

I hope we get a better one next trip.

 

LEWIS

Drew?

Why...why...do we have to, y’know… Serve.

     Looks uncomfortably down

 

DREW

It’s always been like this Lewis. Merebeth was the first, but ever since Craigory III came to power, it’s been even better!

I love the amount of time I get to spend with my furry friends!

The cadence of this should feel like a commercial or propaganda.

 

LEWIS

Yeeeaaah. You enjoy your time with your furry friends…

Mocking the previous cadence

I just, I just, don’t want…

 

DREW

                           Leaning in.

We got traffic!

     The lighting switches to a harsh red and blue flashing set of 

Lights. This emulates a police car.

 

MR. SPRINKLES                         LEWIS

             Bolting forward.           Oh please no, the...it went off

                                      the road. 

               ABSOLUTELY FUCKIN’ NOT!

               YOU BUNCH OF TROGGOS!                      DREW

               I’ll FUCKIN’ GUT YOU!    

 

                                            Yeah, looks like it. SIR! YOU’RE RIDE                                          FARE WILL BE REIMBURSED IF YOU    

         I’LL FUCKIN’ SLICE YA!       ARE DISSATISFIED WITH YOUR TRIP.

               YOU WILL HAVE NO HOME!               

               I WILL DESTROY YOU!                        LEWIS

YOU FUCK!                            

                                                                          To self.

     I DON’T WANT A FUCKIN’        One final trip. If this cat

                   REFUND!                               doesn’t cut me. If I can                                           

        I WANT TO GET TO MY            keep it together for two more

       FUCKIN’ DESTINATION ON         seconds, I could make it. I…

TIME!                                 I… I…

 

MR. SPRINKLES

ALRIGHT! LET ME THE FUCK OFF! I’LL GET ANOTHER FUCKING CAR OVER THIS SHITTY SERVICE. I SWEAR, YOU ASSHOLES USED TO RUN THE FUCKIN’ TRANSPORT BUSINESS. NOT ANY FUCKIN’ MORE! NOW I GET FUCKIN’ ULTIMATE TROGGOS LIKE YOURSELF! GO FUCK YOURSELF, COME ON! ...

The yelling of MR. SPRINKLES slowly morphs from human speech to caterwauling as they exit the stage

DREW

WE HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD TRIP! ... Well...he’s gone now.

 

LEWIS

                           The lights dim around the car and a spotlight explodes onto LEWIS, who noticeably jumps.

I need it. I need to leave the...the race. I can’t...keep going like this. To just, be. I need to just be. I need to not be pushed down. I need to not be berated by some pompous cat who wields the power of money over me. Money. Money isn’t...money shouldn’t. It...why can’t it be...just what we need it to be? When did the world get so...hateful of troggos? Was Merebeth wrong? Was she...could she not realize what her thoughts would do? What her life, squandered would fail to bring to fruition? Her thriving led to our demise, our end at the final moment of this long, pointless journey. I’m there. I can’t...I can’t...it’s too hard.

     The lights dim and go out.

 

 

 

 

 

     The impetus for this short scene came from a BBC news article concerning the transport of pets.

https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-47090894

 

This news story told the tale of an American woman named Merebeth Weit. This woman loved pets so much that she created her own occupation: pet transporter. She works to bring pets from animal rescue shelters and breeders to those that don’t want to make the trip to get their new animal. She drives 60,000 miles and transports up to 100 animals every year. The new owners often don’t want their pets to go through the trauma of flying. She remarked in the story about a French bulldog she specifically liked and a feisty cat that scratched her (BBC NEWS, 2019).

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